She Says: This too shall pass…

Note: I was contemplating whether to post this or not, the incident is still new and the cut was fresh… please don’t ask too many questions, just pray for us.

After going through the recovery period of pre-eclampsia, I had a new setback to conquer. I went to National Heart Center for Echocardiogram and the doctor’s appointment. Then they found out that my heart is very weak and it is pumping at the rate of one third of a normal person. It was the reason of my shortness of breath that I experienced. I googled it after hearing the result and found that this heart condition is a rare condition called PeriPartum Cardiomyopathy.

Peripartum cardiomyopathy is rare disorder in which a weakened heart is diagnosed. A condition of unknown cause that occurs in previously healthy women during the peripartum period. It is characterized by left ventricular dysfunction and symptoms of heart failure that can arise in the last trimester of pregnancy or up to 5 months after delivery. Most likely it is linked to pre-eclampsia.

When the doctor told me about it, I was calm until she mentioned that I can’t breastfeed because the medication will cross the breast milk. I teared non-stop. I felt like being robbed from the one thing that I can do for Savannah. I took my breastfeeding very seriously, pumping religiously every 3 hours around the clock. Although it did affect my sleep and probably my health, I will do it for my baby. So not being able to do that anymore, crushed me to my core.
Actually breast milk is not the only solution, there are formula milk to substitute and lots of premature babies drink formula milk from the start and do well.

I seek comfort in my closed Facebook group for Preemies and Mummies 2012 and found encouragement and support from the mommies there whose preemies also drank formula. Even my lactation specialist ensure me that for Savannah’s weight gain, formula milk might be better. Of course nothing compare to my breast milk, but it’s not the end of the road.

Actually it’s not about formula milk or breast milk that bothers me. Breastfeeding has been my main task throughout this confinement and sort of my routine.I have grown to enjoy it and Winston is really a great help. It was a big blow for me not to breastfeed again.

However, being there and giving her tender loving care through kangaroo care or touching are something that will benefit her as well.

I’m still coming to terms to the fact that I couldn’t breastfeed, but I know that God is still in control. The devil might mean this for evil, but He will protect me and deliver me from the evil one.
“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”(Psalm 34:19)

During my last pumping session, I was watching the story of Jill McCloghry, Hillsongs’ worship leader, who had miscarriage 1.5 weeks before the recording of “This Is Our God” album. “Desert Song” became the theme song of my last pump. My faith and hope raised up and I claimed my healing immediately. I believed I will be healed from all this ordeal, because that’s His promise.

She Says: Because You Are Worth It – The Delivery

After spending 10 days in hospital, my condition improved and stabilized. We really wanted to prolong this pregnancy and deliver at 34 weeks. The baby will still be premature but it’s a safe gestation week.

I was on my week 31 and still a long way to go before the doctors deliver the baby. The thought of spending 3 weeks in hospital is baffling, so we opted to go home hoping that my condition will be better.

Pictures above: My 2 sisters, mom and Winston in KKH 18 July 2012

We secretly wished to be able to come back to KKH and deliver in a A Class suite, which is only possible if the baby come to full term of 38 week.

However, things worsened at home as I couldn’t sleep and have difficulty breathing. For 2 days, I really struggled to sleep at night, resulting in an even worse condition. My mom, who had specially flew to Singapore 2 days after I got admitted to take care of me, tried to calm me down and massaged me. My husband, Winston, has been most supportive and available for me during these trying times.

But I still didn’t manage to rest. It contributed to more complications, my blood pressure went up and I was admitted back at hospital.

After that ‘restless’ incident, I kept having episodes of breathlessness and insomnia. Going in and out of delivery suite worsened my sleeping pattern. The nurses in KKH are really helpful and attentive. Nurse Colleen and Christalin attended to me during the night I was feeling extremely helpless with insomnia and breathing. Turns out that the pre-eclampsia has caused the water to leaks into my lungs that left me breathless. As the pregnancy became too risky for me, the doctors decided to proceed with the delivery of the baby in week 33 through emergency c-section. The only cure for pre-eclampsia is to deliver the baby, once the danger is out, we can focus on the recovery for mother and daughter.

Winston, my mother and I were spending the night in the delivery room before the operation. We were praying and worshipping God, surrendering to His perfect time and plan. I believe in Kairos (God’s appointed time), in fact I tattooed it on my back, so if 31 July is the day Savannah have to be born, it is the best timing.

Although Cesarean is the fastest and safest way to deliver the baby, given a choice, I will opt out.
The whole process was very clinical and cold, I was wheeled to the operating theatre and they gave me the anesthetic, proceed with the operation and next thing I know, I felt something snapped out of me and I heard my baby’s crying. I felt so relieved that at least she can cry.

After delivery, things are better but the danger of Eclampsia is still lurking, so I need to stay at ICU.
Savannah was admitted to NICU, due to her size. Pre-eclampsia has caused the placenta not to be able to give the nutrition to the baby in the womb, though the gestation week is rather mature, the baby size is small. Delivered at 1.125kg in week 33.

Some people say next time if my baby has grown up and become naughty, I must let her know how much suffering Mommy bore for her to curb her naughtiness. I fret over that thoughts. I will tell her how much suffering I have to endure to have her and I’m willing to go through it because she’s worth it. Although I have doubts and “I should haves..”, I finally realized God didn’t make mistake, everything is for a purpose and He has wonderful plan for our family.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Baby Savannah -2 days old

She says: “Jesus at the Center of It All”

The first night I spent in KKH, a song came to my heart. A worship song that we often sing in our beloved church, City Harvest. Here’s the lyrics:

Jesus at the center of it all
Jesus at the center of it all
From beginning to the end, it will always be
It’s always been You Jesus, Jesus

Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
Jesus You’re the center, everything revolves around You
Jesus You (at the center of it all)

Jesus be the center of my life
Jesus be the center of my life
From beginning to the end, it will always be
It’s always been You Jesus, Jesus

From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center
It’s all about You, yes it’s all about You

Jesus be the center of Your church
Jesus be the center of Your church
And every knee will bow
And every tongue shall confess You Jesus, Jesus

Originally sang by Israel Houghton, this song always bring me to tears as I was reminded once again that Jesus is the center of everything in my life and nothing else matters. This song helps me to put things into perspective and not fall into depression.

That night I decided that if God allows me to go through this hardship, He will see me through it.
I strengthened myself in the Lord, just like David in the bible. It’s going to be a rough journey..

The doctors gave us the estimated delivery date in week 34, meaning 4 weeks to spend in hospital. It wasn’t good news for us. I was really troubled by that ultimatum and determined to do better so we can be monitored as an outpatient.

Our decision to go to KKH was timely and served us really well. Not only is KKH the most advanced in high risk pregnancy management and government subsidized, but the nurses are great and helpful. I have high regards on their efficiency in all the test and services. As an Indonesian, whose public health sector is seriously questionable and private sector, mostly, is out for your money, is an eye opener experience to have high quality health services with subsidize rate. They even offer to downgrade the baby’s charges so the parents doesn’t have to worry about the baby’s bill, which can be frightening.

Here’s the link of the song that I always watch.. even Savannah will react in my tummy everytime I play the song.

Even right this moment as I am typing these words, we are still struggling because I still have problems with my health due to severity of the Pre Eclampsia and baby Savannah still in Step Down NICU. But My heart just melts as I sing these words. Jesus, you have seen the ending of this turmoil and You are good.
I surrender, God.

She Says: Pre-Eclampsia that Changed Everything

In a single day, my pregnancy life was turned upside down.. I tried to recall my experience on that day:

My 30th week is finally here and I was so excited to see my gynae for the usual check-up. I always look forward to my gynae appointment because I get a peek of the little creature inside my tummy through the ultrasound.

The usual routine check seems so normal, until I noticed my urine test flashes an unusual color according to the chart. From then, my gynea start to notice rising blood pressure and the protein in the urine. The ultrasound that she did shows that the baby is on the small side. My water retention seems to be worsened as well. Everything points to a condition in pregnancy called Pre-Eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is a condition that affects some pregnant women usually during the second half of pregnancy (from around 20 weeks onward)
Women with pre-eclampsia have high blood pressure, fluid retention (oedema) and protein in the urine (proteinuria). If it’s not treated, it can lead to serious complications.
In the unborn baby, pre-eclampsia can cause growth problems.
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Although the exact cause of pre-eclampsia is not known, it is thought to occur when there is a problem with the placenta (the organ that links the baby’s blood supply to the mother’s).
Pregnant women with pre-eclampsia may not realise they have it. Pre-eclampsia is usually diagnosed during routine antenatal appointments.
Mild pre-eclampsia can be monitored with blood pressure and urine tests at regular antenatal appointments and usually disappears soon after the birth. Severe pre-eclampsia may need to be monitored in hospital.

Mine is categorized as severe Pre-Eclampsia because the amount of protein in my urine is very high. When my gynae told me that I have to be warded as soon as possible, I started to panic. This can’t be happening, my pregnancy is still in the 30th week! Unfortunately, that day Winston have to work on Saturday in some remote area. Tearfully, I alerted him about the situation.
I wasn’t prepared for such a threat to my pregnancy that I broke down in tears in her office.

My gynae, Dr Kang Wee, told us the possibility of the outcome, the baby will be premature and she has to go to NICU and it can cost us 40k-50k if we decided to be warded in Mount Alvernia (the hospital where my gynae practices). Dr Kang Wee used to practice in KK Hospital for 20 years, she suggested to be transferred there. As the biggest and most advanced hospital dealing with woman and children in Singapore, KKH sounds like a better plan for us, not to mentioned that it’s a government structured hospital. Singapore’s public health sector rates among the best in the world and they offer subsidized rates for citizen and PR.

That Saturday 14 July 2012, we checked ourselves to KKH.. and for the next 3 weeks it became the location of my story…

The Joy of Pregnancy.. While It Last

My last post of our joyful occasion was in May and we were thrilled about the  pregnancy. We are expecting!

I was so determined to make my pregnancy experience as wonderful, stylish and happy as can be. Having decided not to be too auntie and motherly, I bought stylish maternity clothes from ASOS.

We even went to Railay Bay, Krabi for our Baby Moon and had a blast!

Life as a pregnant designer has never been easy. Especially during this busy period. I have deadlines to fulfil, weddings to design and style and LED jobs for a big concert. Many nights spent doing overtime in the office, yet I still felt energised even as the pregnancy progress..

But all those things are going to be changed soon… sooner than I can imagined…